I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
