shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
