can u get pink eye on your cock?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize