You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
