hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Randomize
