i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize