I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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