My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
