so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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