I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
