my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
His nipple licking is glorious
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