there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
ttyl tear gas
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
