the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
