Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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