Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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