haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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