I want to make a zoo with you.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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