Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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