glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
