she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
