She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
