it's not cheating when I paid for it
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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