im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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