I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
