in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
