Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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