All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize
