just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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