i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
