it wasn't lemon gatorade
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
