He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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