I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
