I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We're too hungover to prance.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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