I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize