hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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