I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize