just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
