Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
