Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm getting married
To pizza
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
