Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
