I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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