I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
