She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
