i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
