My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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