Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
