You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
