I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
