You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
