I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize