Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
