The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
