people are starting to question the shark bite story
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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