The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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