Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
