If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I supernannyed him into submission
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
