Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
