this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
