Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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