Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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